The mindset

They say the mindset is everything and I can’t argue with that. Remember the days of our forefathers? They had many wives and no one frowned at it.

The wives were happy to have co-wives and in some cases there was  bitterness and jealousy which caused strife amongst them and their children. What about the days of our parents ? Our mothers accepted the fact that after each child birth, their men would take a  concubine or patronise women of loose virtue until they feel strong or healed to have sex.

Some jokingly tell their husbands to leave them alone and have intercourse with someone else.
Their mindset was the reason.

They also shamed women who cheated on their husbands by name calling, while the husbands’ who had concubines were not attacked, it was perceived as normal. Afterall, men will always cheat they always gossiped amongst themselves. That was their  mindset.

Now in our days, the tables have turned, things are different. Everyone wants it all. The women wants a man for themselves and the men are being careful due to the strategic partnership called marriage. In cases where the men or women  refuse to heed to the other spouse’s warnings,  the marriage crashes. Some women do not even tolerate it. To them adultery or unfaithfulness of their husbands is a deal breaker.

Also remember how our fathers had absolutely nothing to do with their babies while our mothers cared for us. Well that has changed too. Both parties need to be involved in the running of the home including changing diapers and caring for their babies. It’s called the 50-50 mindset.  Others are still struggling to accept this mindset.

Some men are still cocooned and would rather opt for a paid Nanny. Now that’s their mindset.
What’s my mindset? You might ask, I don’t know. I act it out but I judge every one I meet by their mindset.

And trust me, in my 21years on earth, I have met different types of people.

Once I met a man who would rather have his wife stay home and look after the kids while he fends for the family. Then shortly after saying this, he said he would like to marry me. I laughed so hard, shook my head and said an emphathic NO.

How about the man who said he wanted to have 7 children because he loves kids. I walked past him instantly.

I also met a woman who said husbands are to be worshipped, I laughed and let her be.

I hear she kneels to serve her husband meals, baths him and flushes the toilet after he has excreted. Now that’s her mindset.

How about the woman I met who prefers not to wash her husband’s clothes, clean after him and so on. Her reason? She is not his maid and he is not an imbecile or physically handicapped so he can help himself.   Now that’s her mindset.

Then I met a man who prefers not to live with his wife. He couldn’t be bothered with women wahala he said. Now that’s his mindset.

There’s a man I know, a very good cook, but after marriage he barely touches any thing in the kitchen. Now that’s his mindset.


My mom was a very beautiful woman, she was tall, with very long hair for an African woman. She was dark in complexion but her skin was so smooth that you would think she was just born. She had 5 strands of grey hair on  her front hair and this singled her. Her pointed nose was unique, and her lips were rosy. She looked like the goddess of beauty and  just like a butterfly attracted to nectar plants, men always flocked around my mom. I sometimes pitied my Dad because he had to do twice as much to get noticed by his wife ( my mom).

Men were not attracted to my mom’s outer  beauty. They knew she was married and respected it or did they?

Just like worker bees and adult bees in a beehive attracted to honey, my mom’s character was what attracted men from all  from all strata of the society.


She was so kind and gentle. She greeted everyone and genuinely cared about everyone. Mustapha, the  gateman was always happy to see her. His eyes always lit up when she approaches the gate. He volunteers to carry her bag, he knows that would earn him some accolades and any form of commendation from my mom was cherished by him.

He once told me that my Mom was an angel who came to make earth a better place. I laughed so hard at him that day that he became so embrassed. I personally felt he was in love with my mom.


My dad couldn’t tell if my mom loved him or not because she treated him just like other men. She was polite, gentle and kind. No more, no less.


But the women in the neighbourhood were from a different breed, they detested my mom. They called her names behind her back. But just as  there is every Judas Iscariot in a gathering of 12… my mom got to know about it.

It so happened one hot afternoon, Mrs. Adebare visited my Mom.

“My conscience wan kill me. I no fit hide this matter from you sha. Since that day when you help my pikin.” She said.

My mom smiled at her.

“Abeg no vex for me, I say make I just tell you say Mrs. Onigo and others they call you ashawo for your back.”  She whispered.

“Shall I bring more cake for you?” My mom asked.

“E be like say you know hear wetin I talk. I say they dey call you ashawo.” Mrs. Adebare said in a louder tone this time.

My mom smiled at her.

“I heard you the first time, it does not matter that’s why I asked if you wanted more cake.”

Mrs Adebare was exasperated.

” I no understand you sha, true true.. you fit be angel oo. Abeg give me the cake. I wan go before they talk say you don carry me go do ashawo work.” She said, standing up and hurriedly snatching the cake from my hands.

My mom was amused.

Mrs Adebare looked left and right and left and right again before she dashed out of our premises like a thief.

My mom smiled. She didn’t let their words bother her.  I know this because i never saw her lost in thoughts, I never saw her cry over the gossips.

She did her wifely duties dutifully without one word of complaint even though my dad did not have the culture of maintainence and she had to always clean up after him. I think my dad was insecure and was looking for a way to hold her accountable for it.

There was this time, the neighbours whispered in hushed tones. I passed by but they didn’t recognise me. Of course they were gossiping about my mom.

“Looks like Nkechi is not her husband’s daughter.” Mrs Onigo said. She was their ring leader.

“What do you mean?” Another said.

I recognised her, she was Mrs. Onu, the mathematics teacher. I didn’t know mathematics teacher had time to gossip, I thought to myself.

“Haven’t you seen that she does not look like her dad. Girls always look like their dad.” Mrs Onigo said.

“That’s true, see the shape of her nose like that of her mother, instead of like that of her dad.”  Mrs. Adebare said.

Wonders they echoed.

I looked closely, the gossipmongers were made up of 8 women. I only recognised 3.

“That’s why I always hide my husband from her.”  Mrs. Onigo said.

” I always frown when she passes by and I am with my husband.” One of them said.

“And my husband and I have been smiling sheepishly about all her nice comments. Hey… I don die, I hope she is not … cos that horseband of mine… can’t be trusted.” Another said.

“Please keep your husband away from the ashawo.”  The others advised.

I cleared my throat, shook my head, loudly hissed at them and walked on.

That was when they recognised me. By the time I got home, they came to our premises 2 minutes later. Apparently they were following me.



Nne Nkechi, children of nowadays cannot be trusted, we saw Nkechi with a boy. He was touching her in funny places. We confronted the boy and Nkechi warned us that she will tell you that we abused you.” The ring leader said.

My mom smiled at them.

Sit down, it is rude of me not to offer you seats.” She said while pointing at the patio were chairs were arranged.

“Would you like some cake and soft drinks ? Soda? Juice?” She offered.

“Yes.” They chorused.

She smiled again and called out.

“Nkechi, can you assist in bringing the soft drinks in the fridge.” She said while she walked in.

” Mom… these women are evul…  they were saying terrible things about you.” I said.

“Focus, Nkechi, now is neither the time nor place for such.” She said.

I heaved and brought out the drinks while she sliced tbe cake. We both took the refreshments outside and they hungrily ate it.

When they had their fill.

“I  understand the need to protect my daughter, but I will handle it. Besides I  know her  better than any of you. Thank you for the information.” My mom said.

They were silent as they took left our premises.

My mom called me to her room. That room where she usually have important conversations with everyone.

There was this time when I was 12 years old  she called me when I thought I injured  my vagina because I saw blood stains on my dress after riding my bike for so long. She told me it was my menstruation.  I was shocked as to how blood could come out from there.

At the moment, she said.

“Nkechi, in life people will always talk whether you do good or bad. People are ready to tear you down. But one thing should remain unchanged, be true to yourself. There, you will find peace and calm.”

The room was silent that if a pin drop you could hear the sound.

“Yes ma” I whispered.

She smiled at me and heaved a sigh of relief.

“Now tell me what happened.” She said calmly.

I recounted it all and when I was done, her expression was unchanged. She was still smiling.

She asked
“Do you think what they said is true?”

“Of course not.”   I responded.

“Thats their mindset. And guess what? I also know what they said about you is not true.” My mom said.

“Are you not worried?” I asked.

“I will only get worried when the mindset of  my loved ones changes from good to worse.” She said.